Thoughts on Breastfeeding

I'm going to dare to say the blasphemous and unthinkable - I hate breastfeeding.  I'm doing it anyway, because it's what's best for baby, it's cheaper than formula, and less clean-up than pumping and bottling.  Every woman's breastfeeding experience is different and this account merely tells you about mine.  Do not mistake this post for advice (or a solicitation for it) or for a prediction of your breastfeeding future (as your experience will of course be your own).  However, if you want a candid, uncensored account of one woman's experience (not the puppies and kittens crap they tell you in breastfeeding class), keep reading. 

I'll preface this little monologue by saying that Naomi and I had a bit of a rough start on the breastfeeding and this is a brief account of our journey.  Anytime a baby stays in the NICU the separation between mom and baby, along with whatever condition landed baby in the NICU, can make breastfeeding difficult.  We first tried breastfeeding the night she was born briefly; it went okay.  I didn't see her again for 24 hours (see Mag and NICU post).  During her NICU stay, it was a gradual switch from her IV to formula, so I didn't even get the opportunity to breastfeed until 4 or 5 days after she was born.  Additionally, I had trouble getting my supply to come in (likely due to separation from baby + dehydration from my mag experience + stress).  I literally pumped with the hospital pump for 3 days with 0 production until an hour long skin to skin kangaroo session with Naomi finally got me going.  So finally, we got to try it again and it went okay, not great, but okay.  While in the hospital, we worked with the nurses and the lactation consultants (they were great) on several occasions to start working on the breastfeeding, but we never did this more than 2 or 3 times a day and she was still getting formula to make sure that she got what she needed to get out of the NICU.  (Funny - it's amazing how quickly you get accustomed to the hospital staff seeing and man-handling your boobs.)

When we got home we continued to mix formula and breast milk.  I usually pumped, but we kept trying to breastfeed a few times a day.  Most breastfeeding attempts were incredibly frustrating and I understood why so many women give up (and don't fault them for it).  They talk about how breastfeeding bonds mommy and baby... the only thing we were bonding over was our mutual frustration and tears.  There was yelling/cursing and crying on my part, usually as a result of the crying/screaming, struggling, and clawing at my breast on baby's part.  I felt horrible about all of this - anybody whose yelled and cursed at their newborn can tell you about the guilty tears and apologies that come afterwards.  Brian and I discussed giving up and just pumping and bottling.  I discussed it with a close friend and my OB.  We took a 2 day complete break from the breast and just pumped and bottled. 

Then, I decided to start trying again.  I worked really hard to maintain my calm and patience.  It got better.  We increased to me breastfeeding all day and just pumping and bottling at night (we wanted to be sure that she got plenty at night so she would sleep).  At first I didn't think I had any supply issues until Naomi hit a growth spurt and needed about 3 ounces while I was producing about 2 and it seemed that I couldn't catch up.  At that point, I started taking fenugreek and stopped taking my allergy medicine.  Of course, the best solution is to increase breastfeeding, so we set aside a weekend to convert to full breastfeeding (all day and all night).  It was a little rough at first, but we succeeded and Naomi is now completely a breastfed baby.  She eats faster than any other baby I've known, based on conversations with other moms.  During a good feeding, Naomi can drain each side in about 5-7 minutes and only needs 10ish when she's fussy because of gas issues.  Most lactation consultants seem to say to leave baby on the breast as long as they need/want.  However most nurses and doctors seem to tell me that about 10 minutes per side is sufficient and after that you become a human pacifier.  I'm not sure there is a "right" answer since all babies are different (with some falling asleep during feedings), but for me no more than 10 minutes works. 

Although we succeeded, it still has its difficult moments.  I sometimes really hate being food.  Any woman whose breastfed can tell you about feeling like Bessie (and if she's worn a double electric pump, she can tell you about looking like it too).  :)  Naomi still gets really frustrated sometimes.  She's a very impatient eater - the minute she knows it's mealtime she'll cry until she's successfully latched and sometimes between sides as well.  (The impatience was also a problem initially since she was started on a bottle and the breast is much slower, both in initial letdown and in flow.)  She also has a tendency toward a really shallow latch from starting on the bottle and I have to work really hard to get her latched correctly.  She still claws me on the breast sometimes; she also sometimes flails, bats my breast back, bops her head, shakes her head back and forth, starts trying to suck before she's latched, and does countless other counter-productive things.  I have to keep telling her to let Mommy drive.  I've gotten better at being patient (unless it's the middle of a sleepless night and she claws my nipple, then I sometimes lose it).  She's also getting better as she gets a little older and gains a little more control over herself.  I also sometimes hate being chained to her feed times.  Life seems to be lived in 3 hour increments and I frequently just prefer to stay home or rush home because it's just easier to feed her at home.  Another little hiccup is that sometimes if Naomi is crying a little for gas and I hold her, instead of Brian, she starts wailing thinking that it must be mealtime. 

Well, I guess that about covers it.  At almost two months, I'm still breastfeeding and it is getting better every day for the most part.  I think we'll probably continue until around 6 months and then maybe pump and bottle until 9 months, but we'll see what happens.  I completely understand any woman who decides that she just can't do it and I don't fault her.  Also, although it didn't end up being my experience, I know many women who just couldn't breastfeed for medical reasons (issues with their own bodies or with baby's body).  Lately it seems that some groups want to vilify women who don't breastfeed their babies and many women feel like they aren't being good mothers if they don't breastfeed.  I say hogwash!  You can still be a great mom without breastfeeding, you can always pump and bottle, and formula was invented for a reason and plenty of babies have grown up just fine and dandy on it.  So have your own experience, whatever it is, and don't feel bad about it.  Well, it seems another feed time is upon me... night, night.