Breastfeeding Update

I thought that I would do a quick breastfeeding update as a follow up to my previous post on breastfeeding which you can read here.  As I mentioned I really wanted to make it until 6 months and I have.  At this point, I'm going to keep going and see if I can make it until 9 months and re-evaluate then.  I have several friends who just had babies - some are sticking it out with the breastfeeding and some have gone the formula/bottle route.  (You'll find no judgement here either way - the process isn't easy and the choice isn't either - everybody just has to do what works for their family.)  Either way, it just made me want to do a quick update. 


It has gotten so much better.  Naomi pretty much knows what she's doing and as long as her reflux or something else isn't bothering her, the feeding goes pretty smoothly.  Honestly, there are times when I could fall asleep while she's nursing and that I don't really notice that she's come off the breast.  If you're just starting out with the breastfeeding, yes, it really can get to this point. 


We've started some solids so we're using a mix of expressed breastmilk and formula with the rice cereal, etc.  I just can't pump enough to go 100% breastmilk (both time and production wise). 


I still sometimes find it to be inconvenient, but as she gets more solids down, I'm sure that'll get better too as I'll be able to do some solid feedings in public to bridge the gap between nursings. 


Anway, just thought I'd drop a quick update.  If you're just embarking on the breastfeeding, hang in there.  It does get easier.  :)  We'll see how much longer I make it. 

SAHM - Goals

So, since we've decided that I'll be a full time SAHM (for now), I've decided that I need some goals much like I had at my previous job.  My ultimate goal (or mission statement as one might call it) is to be the best wife and mother that I can be.  I realize that I can't do that overnight in grand sweeping fashion - after all I'm not an episode of "Extreme Makeover: Housewives Edition" (although if they ever do that, sign me up!).  So, my idea is to set some small goals for myself and as I achieve those goals, I'll set a couple more, and so on.  Many of these may seem basic and you may think that they were already being done.  Although they were being done before, Brian and I did most household chores together and not always in a timely fashion.  Since this is my job, my goal is for Brian to do a lot less and for the quality and timeliness of what is done to go up.  Continuous improvement here I come! 

So below is my current set of goals (in no particular order):

1. Stay on top of the laundry - To do this I will need to do at least 1 load each of baby, darks, lights, and miscellaneous (sheets, towels, or other extras) per week. 
2. Vacuum the living room and clean the kitchen/dining room floor weekly. 
3. Keep the dishes done, counters clean, refrigerator clean, and pantry organized. 
4. Bake something and/or try a new recipe once a week. 
5. Pick one room a week to try to clean really well.   
6. Improve my couponing and sale shopping with regard to food (we've got toiletries taken care of, but there is still more money to be saved). 
7. Keep the kitties fed and watered with clean litter boxes (with the baby here now, this one has become much more of an effort than before). 
8. Workout at least 5 times a week in some way (doing something for myself and taking care of myself makes me a better wife and mom - plus I need to get back into my clothes to save money). 
9. Be affectionate with my husband so that he doesn't think that romance died in the delivery room. 
10. Project - Clean/Organize Master Closet (this became a mess as soon as I started changing sizes on a monthly basis and is still a mess since I am still not back into any of my pre-preg clothes). 

I think these 10 goals are a more than adequate start.  So, for now, I'll stop there.  We'll see how I manage with these and where I go from here. 

Oh, you may have noticed that I didn't list anything involving the baby.  That's because there is nothing about her that is a goal.  Everything about her is a requirement.  She must be taken care of and nurtured every single day and that takes precedent over any of these 10 goals.  So, if anything (or everything) above gets pushed aside periodically in the quest to have a happy, healthy, growing and beautiful baby girl, then I'll still consider myself a success.  None of us needs to be Superwoman for the world, we just need to be Supermom for our kiddos. 

:)

Postpartum Depression / Baby Blues

I feel like I can finally blog a bit more about this, since I'm pretty much through it at this point.  I had a bit of postpartum depression and I want to share that experience so that if you or someone you know experiences it, you may have a little better perspective. 

I was a little worried that I would experience this for a number of reasons that I won't go into, but I had no idea what it's like.  Suffice to say, hormones are sometimes evil!  I wasn't sad all the time; it wasn't like that.  But, I wasn't gushing with new mommy joy either.  People would say things like, "Aren't you just over the moon?" or "Don't you just love being a mom?" or "Isn't it the greatest thing in the world?".  In my head, I'm just thinking, "No, not really."  Here's a small sampling of the thoughts that ran through my head during down times: "What did I do?", "I hate my life now", "I'm exhausted", "I can't do this", "I know I should be happy, but I'm miserable", etc.  They're awful thoughts and you just don't feel you can say those things aloud.  But you have to say it aloud; you have to get the thoughts out of your head so they don't just fester there.  So, I talked to my husband, prayed, and sometimes just sat in the shower crying.  I'm so blessed to have such a supportive husband.  I couldn't have made it through these hormonally charged times without him. 

One of the worst things about PPD is the guilt that I felt.  I wondered why I wasn't like the other gushing mothers and I wondered if that meant that I didn't love my child or that I wouldn't be a good mom.  No, that wasn't it.  I know that I've always loved her.  I've always been fiercely protective of her and affectionate with her and I haven't wanted to be away from her much.  I also felt a large amount of guilt because I know what a blessing Naomi is and how many women I know are trying so hard for their own little miracle.  I hated the times when I felt that having a baby was more of a curse than a blessing and when I felt completely ungrateful for God's blessings and even mad at Him for leading me in this direction.  I mentioned above that I prayed, but sometimes it was more like yelling at God or crying out to Him in lament.  I remember taking a drive one night with Brian and the baby when I told him about how I was feeling and about my anger towards God.  Naomi wouldn't stop crying and both of us were at our wits end.  The drive was a last resort to quiet her and it worked.  She stopped crying and we started crying.  We were so grateful to have each other to lean on that night (and every night really). 

So, now things are much better.  I still have an occasional spell of baby blues or hormonal irritability (like PMS), but for the most part, I'm even-keeled again.  It's been at least a couple of months since I've cried in the shower.  I haven't yelled at God in quite a while.  I sometimes reminisce about simpler times pre-baby, when I had more freedom, when leaving the house or just running into a store quickly wasn't quite so involved, and I didn't have to factor feed times, nap times, and bed times into every day.  But this stage is a short one in the grand scheme of my little girl's life and there are lots of things to enjoy about this stage.  I'm starting to really enjoy being Naomi's mom.  I find myself so excited about taking Naomi to Tiny Tots and Tunes mini-camp at my church in June.  When people ask me those questions like they used to, I finally feel like I can honestly say yes.  I enjoyed my first Mother's Day.  I love my little girl and I really do love my life and feel very blessed. 

Thoughts on Breastfeeding

I'm going to dare to say the blasphemous and unthinkable - I hate breastfeeding.  I'm doing it anyway, because it's what's best for baby, it's cheaper than formula, and less clean-up than pumping and bottling.  Every woman's breastfeeding experience is different and this account merely tells you about mine.  Do not mistake this post for advice (or a solicitation for it) or for a prediction of your breastfeeding future (as your experience will of course be your own).  However, if you want a candid, uncensored account of one woman's experience (not the puppies and kittens crap they tell you in breastfeeding class), keep reading. 

I'll preface this little monologue by saying that Naomi and I had a bit of a rough start on the breastfeeding and this is a brief account of our journey.  Anytime a baby stays in the NICU the separation between mom and baby, along with whatever condition landed baby in the NICU, can make breastfeeding difficult.  We first tried breastfeeding the night she was born briefly; it went okay.  I didn't see her again for 24 hours (see Mag and NICU post).  During her NICU stay, it was a gradual switch from her IV to formula, so I didn't even get the opportunity to breastfeed until 4 or 5 days after she was born.  Additionally, I had trouble getting my supply to come in (likely due to separation from baby + dehydration from my mag experience + stress).  I literally pumped with the hospital pump for 3 days with 0 production until an hour long skin to skin kangaroo session with Naomi finally got me going.  So finally, we got to try it again and it went okay, not great, but okay.  While in the hospital, we worked with the nurses and the lactation consultants (they were great) on several occasions to start working on the breastfeeding, but we never did this more than 2 or 3 times a day and she was still getting formula to make sure that she got what she needed to get out of the NICU.  (Funny - it's amazing how quickly you get accustomed to the hospital staff seeing and man-handling your boobs.)

When we got home we continued to mix formula and breast milk.  I usually pumped, but we kept trying to breastfeed a few times a day.  Most breastfeeding attempts were incredibly frustrating and I understood why so many women give up (and don't fault them for it).  They talk about how breastfeeding bonds mommy and baby... the only thing we were bonding over was our mutual frustration and tears.  There was yelling/cursing and crying on my part, usually as a result of the crying/screaming, struggling, and clawing at my breast on baby's part.  I felt horrible about all of this - anybody whose yelled and cursed at their newborn can tell you about the guilty tears and apologies that come afterwards.  Brian and I discussed giving up and just pumping and bottling.  I discussed it with a close friend and my OB.  We took a 2 day complete break from the breast and just pumped and bottled. 

Then, I decided to start trying again.  I worked really hard to maintain my calm and patience.  It got better.  We increased to me breastfeeding all day and just pumping and bottling at night (we wanted to be sure that she got plenty at night so she would sleep).  At first I didn't think I had any supply issues until Naomi hit a growth spurt and needed about 3 ounces while I was producing about 2 and it seemed that I couldn't catch up.  At that point, I started taking fenugreek and stopped taking my allergy medicine.  Of course, the best solution is to increase breastfeeding, so we set aside a weekend to convert to full breastfeeding (all day and all night).  It was a little rough at first, but we succeeded and Naomi is now completely a breastfed baby.  She eats faster than any other baby I've known, based on conversations with other moms.  During a good feeding, Naomi can drain each side in about 5-7 minutes and only needs 10ish when she's fussy because of gas issues.  Most lactation consultants seem to say to leave baby on the breast as long as they need/want.  However most nurses and doctors seem to tell me that about 10 minutes per side is sufficient and after that you become a human pacifier.  I'm not sure there is a "right" answer since all babies are different (with some falling asleep during feedings), but for me no more than 10 minutes works. 

Although we succeeded, it still has its difficult moments.  I sometimes really hate being food.  Any woman whose breastfed can tell you about feeling like Bessie (and if she's worn a double electric pump, she can tell you about looking like it too).  :)  Naomi still gets really frustrated sometimes.  She's a very impatient eater - the minute she knows it's mealtime she'll cry until she's successfully latched and sometimes between sides as well.  (The impatience was also a problem initially since she was started on a bottle and the breast is much slower, both in initial letdown and in flow.)  She also has a tendency toward a really shallow latch from starting on the bottle and I have to work really hard to get her latched correctly.  She still claws me on the breast sometimes; she also sometimes flails, bats my breast back, bops her head, shakes her head back and forth, starts trying to suck before she's latched, and does countless other counter-productive things.  I have to keep telling her to let Mommy drive.  I've gotten better at being patient (unless it's the middle of a sleepless night and she claws my nipple, then I sometimes lose it).  She's also getting better as she gets a little older and gains a little more control over herself.  I also sometimes hate being chained to her feed times.  Life seems to be lived in 3 hour increments and I frequently just prefer to stay home or rush home because it's just easier to feed her at home.  Another little hiccup is that sometimes if Naomi is crying a little for gas and I hold her, instead of Brian, she starts wailing thinking that it must be mealtime. 

Well, I guess that about covers it.  At almost two months, I'm still breastfeeding and it is getting better every day for the most part.  I think we'll probably continue until around 6 months and then maybe pump and bottle until 9 months, but we'll see what happens.  I completely understand any woman who decides that she just can't do it and I don't fault her.  Also, although it didn't end up being my experience, I know many women who just couldn't breastfeed for medical reasons (issues with their own bodies or with baby's body).  Lately it seems that some groups want to vilify women who don't breastfeed their babies and many women feel like they aren't being good mothers if they don't breastfeed.  I say hogwash!  You can still be a great mom without breastfeeding, you can always pump and bottle, and formula was invented for a reason and plenty of babies have grown up just fine and dandy on it.  So have your own experience, whatever it is, and don't feel bad about it.  Well, it seems another feed time is upon me... night, night. 

Reflections on Our First Month as Parents

I'll start this post by repeating the words that everyone keeps saying to us, "It gets better.  Really, it does."  So, our first month is really more like our first 3 weeks, since we didn't take her home for a week.  The first month is really difficult - the lack of sleep, figuring out her cues/cries, the lack of sleep, the complete obliteration of anything resembling your life before the baby, the lack of sleep and did I mention the lack of sleep. 


Of course you love your baby, but it is a little difficult to remember that at all hours of the morning when she's crying.  Everyone says to sleep when the baby does, but that's very difficult.  I have things that need to get done, especially since I didn't get to get everything done before the baby that I wanted to do.  Not to mention, when she sleeps, I've got to manage to go to the bathroom, eat something, clean up after myself, etc.  We've done our best to still manage to nap here and there.  I will say that we've quickly learned that all the "rules" for babies are more like guidelines.  Really, you just do what works for your baby and your situation. 


If I'm being perfectly honest, I've had moments when I've wondered what the heck I've gotten myself into and why I made this choice, when I've looked back wistfully at our carefree life pre-baby with complete envy, and when I've thought that I'll never be good at this mom thing.  I'm guessing that I'm not alone with that.  Add on the post-partum hormone swing and it can feel like a rollercoaster.  I've never been much of a weepy type of gal, but this month has seen a whole new side of me and a massive increase in the productivity of my tear ducts.  Happy tears, sad tears, frustrated tears... all kinds. 


The other thing you hear a lot is that it's totally worth it.  Well, I hope they're all right about the getting better and the totally worth it - I'm sure they are.  Here's to the months of it getting better and it being totally worth it. :)  After all she really is a cutie and in the quiet moments she really does bring a smile to my face (and one of those little happy, sappy, sentimental tears).