Postpartum Depression / Baby Blues

I feel like I can finally blog a bit more about this, since I'm pretty much through it at this point.  I had a bit of postpartum depression and I want to share that experience so that if you or someone you know experiences it, you may have a little better perspective. 

I was a little worried that I would experience this for a number of reasons that I won't go into, but I had no idea what it's like.  Suffice to say, hormones are sometimes evil!  I wasn't sad all the time; it wasn't like that.  But, I wasn't gushing with new mommy joy either.  People would say things like, "Aren't you just over the moon?" or "Don't you just love being a mom?" or "Isn't it the greatest thing in the world?".  In my head, I'm just thinking, "No, not really."  Here's a small sampling of the thoughts that ran through my head during down times: "What did I do?", "I hate my life now", "I'm exhausted", "I can't do this", "I know I should be happy, but I'm miserable", etc.  They're awful thoughts and you just don't feel you can say those things aloud.  But you have to say it aloud; you have to get the thoughts out of your head so they don't just fester there.  So, I talked to my husband, prayed, and sometimes just sat in the shower crying.  I'm so blessed to have such a supportive husband.  I couldn't have made it through these hormonally charged times without him. 

One of the worst things about PPD is the guilt that I felt.  I wondered why I wasn't like the other gushing mothers and I wondered if that meant that I didn't love my child or that I wouldn't be a good mom.  No, that wasn't it.  I know that I've always loved her.  I've always been fiercely protective of her and affectionate with her and I haven't wanted to be away from her much.  I also felt a large amount of guilt because I know what a blessing Naomi is and how many women I know are trying so hard for their own little miracle.  I hated the times when I felt that having a baby was more of a curse than a blessing and when I felt completely ungrateful for God's blessings and even mad at Him for leading me in this direction.  I mentioned above that I prayed, but sometimes it was more like yelling at God or crying out to Him in lament.  I remember taking a drive one night with Brian and the baby when I told him about how I was feeling and about my anger towards God.  Naomi wouldn't stop crying and both of us were at our wits end.  The drive was a last resort to quiet her and it worked.  She stopped crying and we started crying.  We were so grateful to have each other to lean on that night (and every night really). 

So, now things are much better.  I still have an occasional spell of baby blues or hormonal irritability (like PMS), but for the most part, I'm even-keeled again.  It's been at least a couple of months since I've cried in the shower.  I haven't yelled at God in quite a while.  I sometimes reminisce about simpler times pre-baby, when I had more freedom, when leaving the house or just running into a store quickly wasn't quite so involved, and I didn't have to factor feed times, nap times, and bed times into every day.  But this stage is a short one in the grand scheme of my little girl's life and there are lots of things to enjoy about this stage.  I'm starting to really enjoy being Naomi's mom.  I find myself so excited about taking Naomi to Tiny Tots and Tunes mini-camp at my church in June.  When people ask me those questions like they used to, I finally feel like I can honestly say yes.  I enjoyed my first Mother's Day.  I love my little girl and I really do love my life and feel very blessed.