6/17/10 – So They Say…

All the little pregnancy progress things that I read say that “You’re still not showing yet…” blah blah. Really? Have you seen me!?!? Okay, so I know that the baby isn’t the one showing, but I’m certainly bigger. This is really just a nice way of trying to say, “You’re at the awkward stage where people will wonder if you’re pregnant or just getting fatter”. Couldn’t they just say that? Be honest, so I don’t feel like a giant lard-o. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’m only 5 feet tall; anything extra shows up quick. Actually, to me, it looks more like I’ve gained at least ten pounds. I’ll be lucky to make it through the first trimester without a pair of maternity pants.


Some stats on my weight gain: At my appointment on Tuesday, I had gained 4 pounds since my last visit 2 weeks ago. The doctor said it was a bit much and I should watch it, but it wasn’t horrible yet. Today, at my appointment with my endocrinologist, I was up another 2 pounds; those 2 I’m attributing to water retention since my hands and feet could pass for breakfast sausages today (even the doc commented). She told me to watch my salt intake. I’m hoping that it slows down a little after this first trimester. I’ve been so hungry all the time that I’m constantly eating. I actually hate it, especially since nothing ever sounds good. Couple that with the fact that my workouts are a lot less intense, due to being on low-impact only, and it’s no wonder that I’m gaining more weight than I should.

So, I’ll be concentrating on only eating when I’m hungry and only until I’m full. I’m also going to try to squeeze in a couple more workouts every week. We’ll see if I can slow this train down a bit.

6/15/10 – Heartbeat!

Today we got to hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time at a strong 158 BPM. It was amazing! Brian and I totally got teary eyed. I knew it would be cool, but I didn’t know that this little wellspring of emotion would come bursting up. We also got a new sonogram picture where the baby looks less like a smudge and much more like a human tadpole (i.e. all head and heart with a bit of body). The yoke sack is still there over the baby’s head like a little thought bubble. It's amazing how much the baby grew in only two weeks.  Measurements still have us on target for delivery the last week of January.

6/14/10 – VooDoo Doll

The last week has been full of ups and downs. Sometimes it just feels like I am a little voodoo doll that the baby is playing with. Poke – I’m asleep. Poke – I’m starving. Poke – I feel like barfing. Poke – This or that aches. Poke – I can’t sleep. Poke, poke, poke. It’s made it difficult to be excited about this wonderful thing. Sometimes I start to wonder if there is such a thing as pre-partum depression – if not, there should be because I swear I’ve got it. I wonder why I signed up for this and what was I thinking. I just keep trying to cheer myself through by counting down until I make it through the first trimester. The second trimester is supposed to be the best, so I’m counting down the next four weeks.


I really can’t imagine doing this with anyone other than my hubby. He has been such a blessing. He never complains about how many times I get up during the night. He gets me some toast or cereal and brings it to me in bed every morning. When I don’t have enough energy for some household tasks, he gladly takes them on. Yesterday was a particularly rough day and he took care of me all day and made a wonderful dinner (enchiladas verdes). He’s been amazing.

Tomorrow we have our next appointment with the OB. We should be having another sonogram and hopefully get to hear the heartbeat. Brian is super excited. I’m hoping that it will be a good appointment and that it will really get me more excited since I’ve been in a bit of a slump. I’ll let you know tomorrow.

6/7/10 – Low-Impact

This evening, I went to Jazzercise and low-impacted as a student. It did feel much better than teaching and I’m glad that I went. I can feel so many differences in my body in class though. I can feel my hip joints loosening up a bit already whenever I’m doing abductions or hippy stuff and the ab work is just weird feeling (and more difficult of course). Gotta keep going and stay in good shape!

6/6/10 – Happy to tell our friends!

So, this morning we announced it to our church group. That was fun! I’m so glad that we have such a good group of supportive friends. This evening I contacted my Jazzercise class owners and let them know. The doctor has advised against doing high-impact and pushing my heart rate up too high which doesn’t lend itself well to teaching my regular classes. Brian and I discussed her advice and agreed that we should follow it. It’s hard for me to take a break from teaching, but I know it’s for the best. At this point, I’ve really been struggling with nausea and exhaustion all the time, so I really don’t feel up to teaching anyway. Brian is already super protective of our little bean. It’s both cute and annoying. Mostly it’s cute and sweet, but sometimes I just really want a giant diet-coke or something else that’s in a gray-area of “may or may not hurt the baby, unable to do studies, why take chances, blah, blah”. I miss wine and sushi, but those were givens that I expected. So far, the baby seems to want me to eat all the time, but never too much (it punishes me for that). I’m so tired of munching already and get really tired of it when my body wakes up at some horrid, wee hour of the AM demanding a snack. Ugh! I’m trying to be healthy and just gain the appropriate amount of weight but at the rate that I seem to need to eat, I’m not sure how well that’s going to go. I’m hoping that all of this slows down when I get to the end of the first trimester and all the major construction work is done. Crossing fingers and praying!

6/1/10 – Lots to Update

So , I’ve got lots to update between the weekend of news sharing and our appointment with the doctor, but I’ll try to keep it to a brief summary. It was so much fun this weekend to tell our immediate family. Brian’s mom was red-in-the-face ecstatic. My mom was surprised and excited. Brian’s brother choked on his lox and cream cheese bagel and then both A&T were excited. My whole family was shocked and excited. We were about to pray over our Memorial Day burgers when I announced that I had a little prayer request. My brother jokingly said, “Are you pregnant?” To which I said yes which started a round of giggles and “wait, are you serious” comments. After I confirmed and the shock settled in, lots of wonderful hugging ensued. It made for a very fun, albeit tiring, weekend.


Today, we had our first appointment with the OB and a sonogram. Based on the measurements I am actually more like 6 weeks along. So, maybe I was a little crazy that one month. : ) I now have a picture of what we have renamed “the bean” since it’s still quite a bit smaller than we thought. Truthfully, it looks more like a smudge, but hey it’s our little smudge! I was excited to find that it is in my uterus where it belongs. They pulled all my blood work and we got lots of information, do’s and don’ts, and samples of several different prescription pre-natal vitamins to try. The doctor scheduled us to come back in two weeks for a follow-up and another sonogram where we’ll hopefully get to hear the heartbeat. That will be wonderful!

Since I now have a tentative due date of January 28th, I went ahead and told my bosses and co-workers today. This date really does work better with my work schedule so I can be there for year-end (at least most of it). Again, people were surprised and happy for me and Brian. It’s nice to have it out in the open. I seem to be kinda starting to "pop-out" a little bit early. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m short or what but I’m glad that I can stop trying to suck in and hide it.

Now we are just looking forward to Tuesday in two weeks for our follow-up and continuing to tell friends.

5/28/10 – Telling Family

On Wednesday, I did stop and buy a maternity band to put over my existing (but unbuttoned/unzipped) pants. Genius! I was so much more comfortable Wednesday night at the Roughriders game. I also grabbed a couple maternity tops and a swimsuit. I’m definitely happy about that. The last couple of days I’ve stuck with a dress and some stretchy, draw-string capris that I have. I didn’t sleep much last night. I slept great from 10 to just after 2, then got up to go to the bathroom and never really got back to sleep before having to pop up to teach my 5:40am Jazzercise class. Normally, I rarely ever have to get up in the middle of the night, so my body just doesn’t seem to understand that it’s okay to go back to sleep afterward; it just doesn’t know what to do.


So, we’ve decided to tell our families this weekend, then our work next week, followed by our church group next Sunday, Jazzer-peeps the following week, and then it goes on Facebook (i.e. public). I would prefer to wait until after our appointment for our families as well, but with the long weekend and stuff, it’s just working out better to do it now. We’re planning to head to Austin first thing tomorrow morning. Hopefully the AC guy will come tonight and fix our issue with our new AC.

Still can’t believe this is all happening! I wonder if telling our families will make it more real or if it won’t be real until we see the little grape on the monitor.

5/26/10 – Excited!

I’m excited for a couple different reasons (the second one being the most dominant). First, I finally slept decent last night. Had some discomfort initially, but finally nodded off about 30 minutes later and stayed asleep until 5:15. Then, I had to get up to go the bathroom and I was wide awake, but it’s so much better than it has been so I’ll take it. Next, and the most exciting, I scheduled our first appointment with the Ob/Gyn for next Tuesday, June 1st. The scheduling lady said that they will do an ultrasound. I’m so excited to get to see our baby and maybe hear its little heartbeat! It will so put my mind at ease to about a bunch of little worries I have since I haven’t seen a doctor yet. I keep worrying that the baby isn’t where it’s supposed to be or that it isn’t developing correctly. Like I said though, it’s definitely been enriching my prayer life and I have a feeling that will continue for the rest of my life. I love laying my hand on my belly before I go to sleep at night and praising God for his miraculous and wondrous works and then praying to Him for my baby’s health.


On another note, I think it’s time to get some sort of maternity band. I’m not quite big enough yet for maternity pants but I’ve pretty much stopped buttoning my pants (and in some cases zipping them). I’m also contemplating a new size of bra, especially a more supportive sports bra for working out, and possibly a couple of cute maternity shirts to help hide my bloat-y belly. This is all so surreal; I can’t believe we’re actually doing this and it’s all happening.

5/25/10 – Ugh…

So, I haven’t been sleeping well at all the last couple of nights, so I am so tired. I seem to be having morning sickness all day-ish. I just feel nauseated all the time. Oh, and I’m definitely not going to be able to hide this for too long. Yesterday, some engineer guy at work asked about my baby (his English isn’t the best and we were just passing in the hall, so I didn’t completely get what he was saying). I just smiled, replied “nope” and kept walking. I feel so big and bloated and my abdomen just aches today. Here’s to hoping for a good night’s sleep and that everything is developing well with the baby even if I feel like dump.

5/24/10 – OMG!

I’m pregnant! On Saturday morning (two days ago), I went ahead and ran the test and it turned positive almost immediately. Re-ran it on Sunday just to be sure and it was even more positive. I can’t believe it and I’m still not sure that it has sunk in. My initial reaction was basically an “I’m not crazy” one. I’m so glad to know that everything I was feeling in my body really was my little one setting up house. Given symptoms and my lack of an actual period last month, Brian and I are both convinced that I’m 8 weeks along and that my body just hadn’t produced enough hormone last month to give me a positive. If that’s the case, my baby is about the size of a grape, so all weekend we’ve been calling it our little grape. I’m so glad that I waited until Saturday to take the test, I can’t imagine finding this out and then having to go to work and sit still all day. I spent most of the weekend freaking out a bit and repeating the news to myself in various ways. It’s so hard to keep this all in and not tell people, especially since my belly is threatening to give it away at any time. I can still hide it with clothes, but it’s obvious to me and Brian. I think there has been a lot going on with it this weekend given all the different physical feelings that I’ve had. I have to say I suddenly felt super sassy yesterday evening. Anyway, I will say there is nothing like a pregnancy to enrich your prayer life. Multiple times a day I place my hands on my belly and pray for my little grape. I also keep praying for some of the women that I know have been trying without success. Well, I do feel better having written that. Well, off to the little girls’ room! I think I’ll be there a lot today.

5/21/10 – Wondering…

AF has not made an appearance yet. I’m so curious and want to take a pregnancy test but I’m scared to do it. If it comes back negative, I’m really going to start thinking that I’m crazy. I swear that I feel pregnant, even though I have no basis for knowing what that feels like, so I’m going almost entirely on conjecture. Maybe a little TMI, but again, I swear certain assets are enhanced. Thinking about all of this kind of kept me awake the night before last. Luckily, I was so tired last night that I slept like a rock (an odd saying since rocks don’t actually sleep). I have developed so much more understanding and empathy for women who are desperately trying to conceive and especially those having fertility issues. If it’s driving me, someone who was never all that “gung-ho” on having a baby, this nutty, I can’t fathom how crazy it would make someone who is totally on the board the baby train. Well, I feel a bit better getting this out. Hopefully, it will help me to not focus on it so much throughout the day. Back to work!

5/19/10 – Waiting…

There’s still no sign of AF, so still waiting. She usually comes to visit on Wednesday (today).

5/18/10 – Patience…

So, as much as I’m trying not to, I’m getting a bit anxious. It’s Tuesday and so far, no sign of AF. I know Brian is really anxious too, he really wants it to happen. Must be patient!

5/17/10 – Nice Weekend

Overall we had a nice weekend. I taught quite a bit so it’s nice to have a day off from working out today. Otherwise we managed to relax quite a bit, get caught up on tv, watch a movie and get a few things done around the house. This week we’ll be working on getting our house cleaned up for having some friends over next weekend. It always helps us to have an excuse to have to get it done.


On another note this is my dot week, so we’ll see if there is any big news or if there is no change. I’m trying to just relax about it since it’s out of my control and I’m just going to have to be patient, but I’m kinda curious. I could swear this past week that certain assets have been getting just a little bigger. It’s another exercise in patience and trusting in God’s plan.

5/13/10 – Slow Week

I had some more body issues over the weekend, so if it didn’t clear up I was going to contact my doctor again. Of course, Monday everything seemed like it was back to normal. My weight went back down a bit and has leveled off around where I was at before. We’ll see, but as of now, I don’t really have anything to contact the doc about anymore. I have a couple of little things that have me wondering about the pregnancy thing again, but nothing major. After a mere 3 months off of the pill, I’ve decided that “trying” just takes the fun out of it. No more for me! We’ve just got to go back to normal and have fun when we want to, not when some schedule tells us. Although, with the vacation plans we have for next year, there may come a point when I use that knowledge to un-try.


Brian finished his last final for the semester yesterday. It’ll be nice for him (and me) to have a break until his summer class starts up. Otherwise, there’s not too much going on in the Culp household.

5/7/10 – Mmmm…

Well, I did go ahead and repeat the test although I was fairly confident that it would still come out negative and it did. So, I’m still at a loss for what is going on with my body because something is definitely out of whack. I swear my digestive system is out to get me! It’s been all over the place this week and I don’t think it’s felt normal all week. Add on the massive bloat and water retention and I seriously don’t want to get out of my pjs or eat anything. Plus, I keep having abdominal pain, yippee. Oh, and despite upping my workouts and eating less (since my abdomen is in constant upheaval), I seem to be slowly gaining weight. I’d say it’s been about a pound a week for the last couple weeks. Ugh! If I’m really not pregnant, then what is trying to eat me from the inside out?!?!

4/30/10 – Update

The doctor called back and said to wait a week and repeat the test. It’s pretty much what I expected. Regardless, this weekend is supposed to be fertile time, so we need to get busy. It really would be the best time to get pregnant. The baby would be born at the end of year-end close and we would still be clear to go on our trips that we have planned. I realize as I type this how selfish that probably sounds and part of it is, but part of it is just the planner in me. I like things to be timed really well and I want to still be able to work at a time when I know it’s critical for me to be there. Plus, I know Brian is super excited about our Spain/Portugal trip and about showing me some of the places in Portugal that he visited as a kid. Lots of work to do, so back to it!

4/29/10 – Emailed the Doctor

Well, the HPT came back negative, but I’m still having symptoms and just can’t shake the pregnancy feeling. Of course, there are message boards on the internet full of women who had negative pregnancy test, but were still pregnant – but then again, you can find pretty much anything on the internet. I went ahead and sent my doctor a message. We’ll see what she says. Maybe I’m just crazy or something… we’ll see.

Oh, also, we booked a cruise for next September. We have so many things planned for next year that I’m not even sure how we would cope with the whole baby thing at this point. Heck, I’ve been so moody lately that half the time I’m not sure I even want a baby and I’m not really in the mood for much of anything anyway.  Hmmm… again, we’ll see. “Wonky” is my word of the month.

4/27/10 – Bleh!

Woke up tired, with a headache and am feeling a little nauseated. I’m starting to feel a little crazy. Everything would make sense if I were pregnant but otherwise, am I just imagining all of this? Is it just some sort of psycho-somatic thing? (I probably didn't spell that right, but oh well.)  I’ve been so moody and on-edge lately that I’ve kind of been feeling like I don’t want to do this whole baby thing. I’m going to go ahead and do another HPT tomorrow just to make sure. If it’s negative and this feeling dumpy thing continues, I may need to talk to my doctor.

4/26/10 – Tired

I’ve been really tired lately. Also, I seem to be getting full really quickly whenever I eat. Guess I shouldn’t complain too much about that one – maybe I’ll lose some weight. Stomach still seems really full and bloaty and I’m struggling with nausea periodically. Otherwise, everything’s fine. Brian fixed our driveway security light which will be really nice. We planted a new tree type thingy and some flowers in the front – I remember now why we pay people to do yard work for us. I like the outcome, but not the work. We’ll see how much of it lives. Guess that’s it for now.

4/23/10 – Negative, but still feel weird

Well, the HPT was negative. I still haven’t had anything much and still feel “wonky”. I’m thinking that I may take another HPT next week just to be extra sure. My body just doesn’t feel quite right lately, especially this week - weird abdominal pains and full feeling even when I’m hungry, etc. We’ll see what happens.

4/21/10 – Not so sure

So, now I’m not so sure. I had a bunch of pain/cramping yesterday (which is unusual for me), but not much in the way of AF. Still not much today either. I had some pain this morning when I first woke up and a few twinges throughout the day, but mostly I just feel bloat-y and tired. I’m thinking that I may take a HPT tomorrow morning just to be certain. The uncertainty is the worst.

4/20/10 – Definitely not

So, I’m definitely not pregnant and popping lots of Midol today. We went running this morning which was great. Crossing my fingers for next month! :)

4/19/10 – It’s the week

So this is the week that I found out if I got pregnant this month or not. It’ll be nice to know. I’m thinking no and I just got a tiny hint that it’s no, but we’ll know for sure in a couple days. I will actually be a-ok if it’s a no this month because I’m really hoping for next month since the timing would be much better. I just signed me and Brian up for the Jazzercise on Location in Vegas for my birthday weekend of 2011, so hopefully things will time okay with that. If not, I guess I’ll have to try to return or sell my tickets. I’m hoping it works out okay because it looks like a bunch of fun and we’ve wanted to go to Vegas. Keep you posted…

4/15/10 – Back to Wondering

So, I’m back in that time of the month where I wonder if every little feeling is PMS or a possible pregnancy. I didn’t sleep well last night and I don’t feel too great today. I’ve been nauseated, bloaty, and tired pretty much all day. Most likely it’s just lack of sleep and a bout of PMS, but of course I wonder anyway. Well, guess we’ll find out in about a week.

4/12/10 – Sunday Questions

So, on Sunday, at church, one of our friends not-so-subtly asked Brian about the baby thing. He dodged the question. It’s funny though because we get the impression that we might be giving off a more baby interested vibe. Anyway, we’ll see what happens. I’m much more relaxed about it this month. In part, it’s because this would sort of be a bad month to get pregnant. If I did, the baby would be due at the end of December which is just in time for year-end (aka busy season) at work. So, I’m actually hoping for next month. But, of course, it’s not up to me really.

4/9/10 – Update

I’ve been swamped at work this week so that’s made the week go by very fast. Supposedly, I’m in my fertile week. We’ve been enjoying being active. It’s odd to wonder if it’s happening yet or not. A little life could start at any moment and I won’t know. You would think you should know when something that monumental happens inside your body. Heck! It’s a foreign object and virtually a parasitic alien inside your body. How do you not know instantly when you have one!?! I’m back to a point where every little odd feeling makes me wonder. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s probably nothing and regardless I have no way of knowing until the end of the month. I waiver between excitement and anticipation at the thought and shear panic that screams, “what the heck are you thinking?!” I’m sure there is plenty more of that in store, if and when it actually happens. In the meantime, it’s all about patience, particularly in the area of not knowing.

4/1/10 – Busy, but not entirely distracted

I’m busy at work, but not entirely distracted. Tomorrow starts Easter weekend and the beginning of my “fertile time”. I hate even thinking of it that way, but I am. Some friends just found out they’re having a boy. It makes me think how exciting it will be for me and Brian if/when that happens. Weird, but cool thought. Gotta get back to work, but had to get that thought off my mind.

3/29/10 – Productive Weekend

The garage sale was definitely a success. We sold Brian’s truck, emptied the garage, and made a tidy sum of money. We now have both cars parked in the garage. I’ll deposit the money this afternoon and we’ll be about a month closer to being debt free than we were before the garage sale. Not bad for a weekend of exhaustion. I’m so glad it’s a 3 day weekend coming up. I need it.

3/26/10 – Temporary Rules and Re-directing Focus

So I’ve made up some temporary rules for myself in the interest of keeping my sanity. I am restricting myself from googling, e-window-shopping, or reading articles related to babies, pregnancy, etc. I’ve armed myself with all the information that I need at this stage, so any additional reading is leaning towards obsessive.


Instead, I’m focusing on the positive and channeling my energies into the various tasks at hand. First task at hand is a garage sale tomorrow. We are getting rid of a ton of stuff to make some space in the house and in the garage for the cars with the oh-so-wonderful side benefit of making some money. I started listing the positives of not being pregnant right now and here is what I came up with: I will be at least one month closer to being debt free when all of this goes down. I can still drink wine (had a glass last night and savored every sip). I can still eat sushi – yummy! (I’ll have to make sure to eat some this month, just in case.) I can still color my hair this weekend which is good because my roots are getting rather salty. I can try to lose some weight this month and can try to ramp up my workout schedule. Lastly, as my husband pointed out, we can still have lots of fun trying.

3/25/10 – How I Got Where I Am

"As mentioned, I'm beginning to post the blog that I've been keeping offline for a couple months now.  This documents a little about how I ended up pregnant (after having firmly convinced all family and friends that it was never going to happen) and was really just a place for me to vent.  The first one is a bit long (sorry), but the rest get much shorter once I cleared my head.  Happy reading!"

I can’t concentrate and I’m so ADD and emotional right now that I figure I’ve got to find a place to pour out all that’s on my mind so that I can get back to normal. I got my period over the last day or two and it’s never made me so sad. It’s super weird for me. I never thought I wanted this, but here I am. I’ve been off the birth control for one month (after being on it for a decade) and although I knew it was statistically unlikely, I was hopeful in some small way. Over the past month I’ve had a myriad of symptoms that left me wondering, “Am I pregnant or are these just changes due to coming off the pill?” I now know the answer and I’m not sure that I feel any better. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.


Yesterday I had two friends announce their pregnancies. For the first time, I found myself wishing it was me and being a tad envious. It’s so odd because that’s never been the case before. My usual, internal reaction has been more of an “another one bites the dust” attitude. I was really thinking that I would be childless by choice and it was hard when all the couples we knew started having babies. Rounds of baby showers ensued. I’ve never been a squeal-y, babies-are-so-cute kind of girl, so this presented a whole new domain of social awkwardness for me. Then the questions started, “So when are you going to start a family? Or have babies?” I’m standing there thinking, “Hubby and I are a family. Why does everyone seem to think you must have a kid to have a family?” Instead, I would politely respond that I don’t know if or when we’ll ever have any children and that I just don’t really have a desire for that. Say that aloud to any number of baby-makin’ Baptist women and see what kind of looks you get. After the initial shocked look, they sort of turn their head to the side and start looking at you like you’ve suddenly developed a third eye or an arm growing out of your head. Of course, they respond warmly and politely but I knew that they just didn't get me (nor I them, for that matter).  So how did I get here and where do I go from here?

Last summer, my cousin and his wife had a baby. We went to the hospital to see him and hold him and such and I felt that first little tug. It was a small feeling that maybe I did want one of those and maybe I didn’t want to miss out on that experience. Part of me wanted to just stop the birth control right away and just take the plunge, but on a larger scale I figured the feeling would pass. It did and I was glad that I didn’t say anything to hubby. I had an inkling that he probably wanted kids more than he was letting on and that he just wasn’t saying anything because he knew where I was on that topic. I didn’t want to get his hopes up and then change my mind. Months passed and occasionally thoughts would cross my mind, but nothing significant. At the beginning of this year, it started creeping up again. At this point, I’m 30, we’ve been married for 5 years, our finances and careers are in a good place and it really would be a good time. No, I don’t hear some stupid, cliché biological clock ticking. I just know that it’s about time to make a yes or no decision. I had always thought that maybe God didn’t give me that desire because I wasn’t supposed to have a kid and I maintained that if He really wanted me to have a kid He could make it happen (either by defeating the birth control or changing my heart). One night, I really, honestly prayed about it. I confessed that I probably hadn’t made my heart very open to the idea and opened myself up to God’s will for that in my life. It wasn’t long before hubby and I had the talk that would precipitate all of this. While we were cooking dinner one night in February, I prompted hubby to be really honest with me about his desires. He confessed to really wanting a baby and to keeping that to himself somewhat because he was worried about my reaction. So after some talking, cooking, and sipping of wine, we toasted our decision to go off the pill at the end of the month.

I figured it would be no big deal. I would go off the pill and we would just see what happens. The whole concept of “trying to conceive” seemed silly to me. Just have fun and see what happens! I get it a little more now. We made an appointment with our family doctor for our annual physicals and a sort of pre-conception visit (even though our appointment would be about 3 weeks into my first pill free month). I found myself wishing for the end of my current pill pack and then just skipping the last pill before the placebo week figuring it didn’t really matter and I was ready to get started. The adventure began at the end of February. Funny, once I made the decision, I pretty much threw myself into it. Hubby continues to think it’s really cute and he’s loving this new side to me (meanwhile I’m not so sure and yet relishing it all). I started with looking at all the different baby stuff, particularly cribs and daycares, and trying to figure out how we would re-do the guest room into a baby room and fit this new baby into our lives. What can I say? I’m an analytical, planner type and this is just what I do. If I’m going to do something, I want to do it right. Before long I’m reading up on pregnancy symptoms, nutrition, and even ovulation stuff. What the heck! I find myself frequently distracted at work with thoughts about this whole baby thing. By the time we get to the doctor’s office, I find us discussing ovulation, pre-natal vitamins, planning sex for certain times and quick conceptions. Weird!

It’s weird and wonderful at the same time. I love that I get to go through this with my hubby and best friend. The past month or so has been difficult in some ways. We’re not telling anyone about all of this, hence the need to pour it all out here. Sometimes I wish I could talk to a gal pal about this, but I feel like at least getting it all out in writing is helping. Most of our friends and family have actually come to accept that we aren’t having kids, so we can’t wait to see the shocked look on their faces when we finally get to tell them that we’re pregnant. It’ll be so much more fun if no one even suspects that we’re trying!

So, today, I find myself a little sad that I’m not pregnant. So, I’m going to remind myself of a few things: Statistically, I’m very likely to get pregnant this year. Stop stressing and obsessing – it’s not healthy and frankly I’m freaking myself out a bit. Be happy for those that are preggers – they’ve been here too and someday I’ll be there and I hope everyone is happy for me. And lastly, I’ve always upheld that I could live a happy and fulfilled life without a child and that is still true, so if it doesn’t happen, I will be just fine. So, here’s to having some fun on Easter weekend!