3/25/10 – How I Got Where I Am

"As mentioned, I'm beginning to post the blog that I've been keeping offline for a couple months now.  This documents a little about how I ended up pregnant (after having firmly convinced all family and friends that it was never going to happen) and was really just a place for me to vent.  The first one is a bit long (sorry), but the rest get much shorter once I cleared my head.  Happy reading!"

I can’t concentrate and I’m so ADD and emotional right now that I figure I’ve got to find a place to pour out all that’s on my mind so that I can get back to normal. I got my period over the last day or two and it’s never made me so sad. It’s super weird for me. I never thought I wanted this, but here I am. I’ve been off the birth control for one month (after being on it for a decade) and although I knew it was statistically unlikely, I was hopeful in some small way. Over the past month I’ve had a myriad of symptoms that left me wondering, “Am I pregnant or are these just changes due to coming off the pill?” I now know the answer and I’m not sure that I feel any better. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.


Yesterday I had two friends announce their pregnancies. For the first time, I found myself wishing it was me and being a tad envious. It’s so odd because that’s never been the case before. My usual, internal reaction has been more of an “another one bites the dust” attitude. I was really thinking that I would be childless by choice and it was hard when all the couples we knew started having babies. Rounds of baby showers ensued. I’ve never been a squeal-y, babies-are-so-cute kind of girl, so this presented a whole new domain of social awkwardness for me. Then the questions started, “So when are you going to start a family? Or have babies?” I’m standing there thinking, “Hubby and I are a family. Why does everyone seem to think you must have a kid to have a family?” Instead, I would politely respond that I don’t know if or when we’ll ever have any children and that I just don’t really have a desire for that. Say that aloud to any number of baby-makin’ Baptist women and see what kind of looks you get. After the initial shocked look, they sort of turn their head to the side and start looking at you like you’ve suddenly developed a third eye or an arm growing out of your head. Of course, they respond warmly and politely but I knew that they just didn't get me (nor I them, for that matter).  So how did I get here and where do I go from here?

Last summer, my cousin and his wife had a baby. We went to the hospital to see him and hold him and such and I felt that first little tug. It was a small feeling that maybe I did want one of those and maybe I didn’t want to miss out on that experience. Part of me wanted to just stop the birth control right away and just take the plunge, but on a larger scale I figured the feeling would pass. It did and I was glad that I didn’t say anything to hubby. I had an inkling that he probably wanted kids more than he was letting on and that he just wasn’t saying anything because he knew where I was on that topic. I didn’t want to get his hopes up and then change my mind. Months passed and occasionally thoughts would cross my mind, but nothing significant. At the beginning of this year, it started creeping up again. At this point, I’m 30, we’ve been married for 5 years, our finances and careers are in a good place and it really would be a good time. No, I don’t hear some stupid, cliché biological clock ticking. I just know that it’s about time to make a yes or no decision. I had always thought that maybe God didn’t give me that desire because I wasn’t supposed to have a kid and I maintained that if He really wanted me to have a kid He could make it happen (either by defeating the birth control or changing my heart). One night, I really, honestly prayed about it. I confessed that I probably hadn’t made my heart very open to the idea and opened myself up to God’s will for that in my life. It wasn’t long before hubby and I had the talk that would precipitate all of this. While we were cooking dinner one night in February, I prompted hubby to be really honest with me about his desires. He confessed to really wanting a baby and to keeping that to himself somewhat because he was worried about my reaction. So after some talking, cooking, and sipping of wine, we toasted our decision to go off the pill at the end of the month.

I figured it would be no big deal. I would go off the pill and we would just see what happens. The whole concept of “trying to conceive” seemed silly to me. Just have fun and see what happens! I get it a little more now. We made an appointment with our family doctor for our annual physicals and a sort of pre-conception visit (even though our appointment would be about 3 weeks into my first pill free month). I found myself wishing for the end of my current pill pack and then just skipping the last pill before the placebo week figuring it didn’t really matter and I was ready to get started. The adventure began at the end of February. Funny, once I made the decision, I pretty much threw myself into it. Hubby continues to think it’s really cute and he’s loving this new side to me (meanwhile I’m not so sure and yet relishing it all). I started with looking at all the different baby stuff, particularly cribs and daycares, and trying to figure out how we would re-do the guest room into a baby room and fit this new baby into our lives. What can I say? I’m an analytical, planner type and this is just what I do. If I’m going to do something, I want to do it right. Before long I’m reading up on pregnancy symptoms, nutrition, and even ovulation stuff. What the heck! I find myself frequently distracted at work with thoughts about this whole baby thing. By the time we get to the doctor’s office, I find us discussing ovulation, pre-natal vitamins, planning sex for certain times and quick conceptions. Weird!

It’s weird and wonderful at the same time. I love that I get to go through this with my hubby and best friend. The past month or so has been difficult in some ways. We’re not telling anyone about all of this, hence the need to pour it all out here. Sometimes I wish I could talk to a gal pal about this, but I feel like at least getting it all out in writing is helping. Most of our friends and family have actually come to accept that we aren’t having kids, so we can’t wait to see the shocked look on their faces when we finally get to tell them that we’re pregnant. It’ll be so much more fun if no one even suspects that we’re trying!

So, today, I find myself a little sad that I’m not pregnant. So, I’m going to remind myself of a few things: Statistically, I’m very likely to get pregnant this year. Stop stressing and obsessing – it’s not healthy and frankly I’m freaking myself out a bit. Be happy for those that are preggers – they’ve been here too and someday I’ll be there and I hope everyone is happy for me. And lastly, I’ve always upheld that I could live a happy and fulfilled life without a child and that is still true, so if it doesn’t happen, I will be just fine. So, here’s to having some fun on Easter weekend!