4/12/10 – Sunday Questions

So, on Sunday, at church, one of our friends not-so-subtly asked Brian about the baby thing. He dodged the question. It’s funny though because we get the impression that we might be giving off a more baby interested vibe. Anyway, we’ll see what happens. I’m much more relaxed about it this month. In part, it’s because this would sort of be a bad month to get pregnant. If I did, the baby would be due at the end of December which is just in time for year-end (aka busy season) at work. So, I’m actually hoping for next month. But, of course, it’s not up to me really.

4/9/10 – Update

I’ve been swamped at work this week so that’s made the week go by very fast. Supposedly, I’m in my fertile week. We’ve been enjoying being active. It’s odd to wonder if it’s happening yet or not. A little life could start at any moment and I won’t know. You would think you should know when something that monumental happens inside your body. Heck! It’s a foreign object and virtually a parasitic alien inside your body. How do you not know instantly when you have one!?! I’m back to a point where every little odd feeling makes me wonder. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s probably nothing and regardless I have no way of knowing until the end of the month. I waiver between excitement and anticipation at the thought and shear panic that screams, “what the heck are you thinking?!” I’m sure there is plenty more of that in store, if and when it actually happens. In the meantime, it’s all about patience, particularly in the area of not knowing.

4/1/10 – Busy, but not entirely distracted

I’m busy at work, but not entirely distracted. Tomorrow starts Easter weekend and the beginning of my “fertile time”. I hate even thinking of it that way, but I am. Some friends just found out they’re having a boy. It makes me think how exciting it will be for me and Brian if/when that happens. Weird, but cool thought. Gotta get back to work, but had to get that thought off my mind.

3/29/10 – Productive Weekend

The garage sale was definitely a success. We sold Brian’s truck, emptied the garage, and made a tidy sum of money. We now have both cars parked in the garage. I’ll deposit the money this afternoon and we’ll be about a month closer to being debt free than we were before the garage sale. Not bad for a weekend of exhaustion. I’m so glad it’s a 3 day weekend coming up. I need it.

3/26/10 – Temporary Rules and Re-directing Focus

So I’ve made up some temporary rules for myself in the interest of keeping my sanity. I am restricting myself from googling, e-window-shopping, or reading articles related to babies, pregnancy, etc. I’ve armed myself with all the information that I need at this stage, so any additional reading is leaning towards obsessive.


Instead, I’m focusing on the positive and channeling my energies into the various tasks at hand. First task at hand is a garage sale tomorrow. We are getting rid of a ton of stuff to make some space in the house and in the garage for the cars with the oh-so-wonderful side benefit of making some money. I started listing the positives of not being pregnant right now and here is what I came up with: I will be at least one month closer to being debt free when all of this goes down. I can still drink wine (had a glass last night and savored every sip). I can still eat sushi – yummy! (I’ll have to make sure to eat some this month, just in case.) I can still color my hair this weekend which is good because my roots are getting rather salty. I can try to lose some weight this month and can try to ramp up my workout schedule. Lastly, as my husband pointed out, we can still have lots of fun trying.

3/25/10 – How I Got Where I Am

"As mentioned, I'm beginning to post the blog that I've been keeping offline for a couple months now.  This documents a little about how I ended up pregnant (after having firmly convinced all family and friends that it was never going to happen) and was really just a place for me to vent.  The first one is a bit long (sorry), but the rest get much shorter once I cleared my head.  Happy reading!"

I can’t concentrate and I’m so ADD and emotional right now that I figure I’ve got to find a place to pour out all that’s on my mind so that I can get back to normal. I got my period over the last day or two and it’s never made me so sad. It’s super weird for me. I never thought I wanted this, but here I am. I’ve been off the birth control for one month (after being on it for a decade) and although I knew it was statistically unlikely, I was hopeful in some small way. Over the past month I’ve had a myriad of symptoms that left me wondering, “Am I pregnant or are these just changes due to coming off the pill?” I now know the answer and I’m not sure that I feel any better. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.


Yesterday I had two friends announce their pregnancies. For the first time, I found myself wishing it was me and being a tad envious. It’s so odd because that’s never been the case before. My usual, internal reaction has been more of an “another one bites the dust” attitude. I was really thinking that I would be childless by choice and it was hard when all the couples we knew started having babies. Rounds of baby showers ensued. I’ve never been a squeal-y, babies-are-so-cute kind of girl, so this presented a whole new domain of social awkwardness for me. Then the questions started, “So when are you going to start a family? Or have babies?” I’m standing there thinking, “Hubby and I are a family. Why does everyone seem to think you must have a kid to have a family?” Instead, I would politely respond that I don’t know if or when we’ll ever have any children and that I just don’t really have a desire for that. Say that aloud to any number of baby-makin’ Baptist women and see what kind of looks you get. After the initial shocked look, they sort of turn their head to the side and start looking at you like you’ve suddenly developed a third eye or an arm growing out of your head. Of course, they respond warmly and politely but I knew that they just didn't get me (nor I them, for that matter).  So how did I get here and where do I go from here?

Last summer, my cousin and his wife had a baby. We went to the hospital to see him and hold him and such and I felt that first little tug. It was a small feeling that maybe I did want one of those and maybe I didn’t want to miss out on that experience. Part of me wanted to just stop the birth control right away and just take the plunge, but on a larger scale I figured the feeling would pass. It did and I was glad that I didn’t say anything to hubby. I had an inkling that he probably wanted kids more than he was letting on and that he just wasn’t saying anything because he knew where I was on that topic. I didn’t want to get his hopes up and then change my mind. Months passed and occasionally thoughts would cross my mind, but nothing significant. At the beginning of this year, it started creeping up again. At this point, I’m 30, we’ve been married for 5 years, our finances and careers are in a good place and it really would be a good time. No, I don’t hear some stupid, cliché biological clock ticking. I just know that it’s about time to make a yes or no decision. I had always thought that maybe God didn’t give me that desire because I wasn’t supposed to have a kid and I maintained that if He really wanted me to have a kid He could make it happen (either by defeating the birth control or changing my heart). One night, I really, honestly prayed about it. I confessed that I probably hadn’t made my heart very open to the idea and opened myself up to God’s will for that in my life. It wasn’t long before hubby and I had the talk that would precipitate all of this. While we were cooking dinner one night in February, I prompted hubby to be really honest with me about his desires. He confessed to really wanting a baby and to keeping that to himself somewhat because he was worried about my reaction. So after some talking, cooking, and sipping of wine, we toasted our decision to go off the pill at the end of the month.

I figured it would be no big deal. I would go off the pill and we would just see what happens. The whole concept of “trying to conceive” seemed silly to me. Just have fun and see what happens! I get it a little more now. We made an appointment with our family doctor for our annual physicals and a sort of pre-conception visit (even though our appointment would be about 3 weeks into my first pill free month). I found myself wishing for the end of my current pill pack and then just skipping the last pill before the placebo week figuring it didn’t really matter and I was ready to get started. The adventure began at the end of February. Funny, once I made the decision, I pretty much threw myself into it. Hubby continues to think it’s really cute and he’s loving this new side to me (meanwhile I’m not so sure and yet relishing it all). I started with looking at all the different baby stuff, particularly cribs and daycares, and trying to figure out how we would re-do the guest room into a baby room and fit this new baby into our lives. What can I say? I’m an analytical, planner type and this is just what I do. If I’m going to do something, I want to do it right. Before long I’m reading up on pregnancy symptoms, nutrition, and even ovulation stuff. What the heck! I find myself frequently distracted at work with thoughts about this whole baby thing. By the time we get to the doctor’s office, I find us discussing ovulation, pre-natal vitamins, planning sex for certain times and quick conceptions. Weird!

It’s weird and wonderful at the same time. I love that I get to go through this with my hubby and best friend. The past month or so has been difficult in some ways. We’re not telling anyone about all of this, hence the need to pour it all out here. Sometimes I wish I could talk to a gal pal about this, but I feel like at least getting it all out in writing is helping. Most of our friends and family have actually come to accept that we aren’t having kids, so we can’t wait to see the shocked look on their faces when we finally get to tell them that we’re pregnant. It’ll be so much more fun if no one even suspects that we’re trying!

So, today, I find myself a little sad that I’m not pregnant. So, I’m going to remind myself of a few things: Statistically, I’m very likely to get pregnant this year. Stop stressing and obsessing – it’s not healthy and frankly I’m freaking myself out a bit. Be happy for those that are preggers – they’ve been here too and someday I’ll be there and I hope everyone is happy for me. And lastly, I’ve always upheld that I could live a happy and fulfilled life without a child and that is still true, so if it doesn’t happen, I will be just fine. So, here’s to having some fun on Easter weekend!

It's Been a While

It's been a while since I've blogged.  I've been blogging offline temporarily - the writing is much more honest when I don't know if anyone else will ever read it.  I may post it at some point, but for now I'm a virtual iceberg (which sounds good with the summer heating up). 

Brian and I will be heading off to serve at a Joni and Friends Family Retreat in about a month.  Pray that God will use us as his tools during that time and that our hearts and minds will be open to what he has to reveal to us.  I'm both nervous and excited.  Earlier this month we participated in an Engage Sunday with our church where we went out and worked in the community on Sunday morning instead of going to church.  It was an eye-opening experience (and some hard work).  We've really enjoyed getting back involved with our church and in starting to try to serve more. 

I've got leftover Thai food calling my name, so as one of my co-workers would say, peace out!